The Decade of Deep Love

Ziyu Ai was genuinely good to Zhishu He, no worse than the younger Wenxu Jiang. His love for Zhishu was straightforward.

He bought Zhishu sparklers. He designed a cat tree for Zhishu’s cat and chose materials himself to make it. He even cleared some space in his yard and built a garden for Zhishu to grow flowers.

Ziyu’s efforts were slightly paid off. He had managed to claim another half of Zhishu’s bed. Though he had to bring his own bedding and quite a big gap was kept between them.

Ziyu opened the bedroom door quietly. Small, heartwarming, orange light was illuminating the room. He walked to Zhishu while Zhishu was reading a book leaning on the headboard.

“What are you reading?” Ziyu reclined in the bed, slightly turned his head towards Zhishu.

Zhishu smiled, showed the page to him, “Six Chapters of a Floating Life, written by Fu Shen.”

Ziyu moved closer to Zhishu and leaned his head on Zhishu’s shoulder, speaking in an abstractedly low voice, “I had a nightmare last night.”

“I wonder why I was wakened up by you last night. You were crying even in your sleep.” Zhishu He didn’t push Ziyu Ai away.

Ziyu froze for a little moment. “I am useless, aren’t I?” He didn’t want Zhishu to know that in his dream, Zhishu was leaving him bit by bit until this man was totally out of reach, eventually turned into a cloud in the sky.

Zhishu closed the book and tried to cheer him up, “Dreams are opposite to the real life.”

“Zhishu, I have contacted with my old classmate in Shanghai. We go there and have your cancer treated, okay?” Ziyu tried to persuade Zhishu.

To Zhishu, it seemed to be such an abrupt turn of their conversation. He had no idea that all Ziyu did was just a setup.

Zhishu’s tone cooled down. “No. I don’t want to.”

Ziyu suddenly raised his head and looked into Zhishu’s eyes. “Don’t give your own body a hard time!” He said.

“You are a doctor. Don’t you know if it is treatable?” Zhishu avoided the eye contact with Ziyu by slightly turning his head away.

“You never know…we can try.” Ziyu mumbled as a burst of heartache struck him.

Zhishu He reached out his hand; his fingertip gently stroked on Ziyu Ai’s cheek from top to bottom. “If you do care about me, stop pushing me. Chemotherapy hurts. Medicine is corrosive. The pain will start from blood vessels. And it has lots of side-effects. Bone marrow aspiration is painful; so does hemodialysis. Do you honestly want me to live the last days of my life in misery? To see the hospital turn me into a freak before I die?” His eyes were so gentle when he said that.

Ziyu Ai was aware of everything he said, but it felt much heavier to hear the one he cared the most speak out the truth word by word. As if his words had cut him into pieces, Ziyu was in great agony; his heart was bleeding. However, his emotional suffering was nothing compared to what Zhishu was going through. You wouldn’t know how painful the needle tip could be if it wasn’t on you.

“If we do nothing, you will suffer anyway.” Ziyu shook his head with teeth gnashed, trying to hold his tears in.

“I didn’t suffer when you and I climbed the mountain, when I walked my dog by the West Lake, and when the kitten snored in my arms.” Zhishu gave Ziyu a little hug. “Spoil me for the last time.”

“I can’t...” Ziyu was crushed; he couldn’t even speak out of sorrow.

“Must you force me to go to the hospital? To do chemotherapy? To take the medicine? To see me covered with tubes and eventually die in pain?” These words didn’t sound like what the usual Zhishu would say as they hurt.

Throughout Zhishu He’s entire life, he acted self-willed twice. He estranged from his parents and abandoned his home the first time, and now this was the second time where he gave up on himself.

“I love you.” Ziyu put his head on Zhishu’s neck.

Zhishu could feel the warm fluids burning his skin, which made him feel so sorry.

“If I had a second life, I’d like to be a girl and wait for you, only you.” Zhishu started to calm him.

Ziyu didn’t move. He was panting like a little animal. “I wouldn’t mind if you were a man.” He said in a weak voice.

“Two men equals a hard life.” Zhishu sighed.

Ziyu held Zhishu in his arms; they lay in the bed together. “Let me be your wife in our next life. I’d be in charge of housework and labor. And I’d give birth to our baby.” He turned off the light. Tears burst out as he knew deep inside that he was bound to lose Zhishu.

Their hug lasted for the rest of the night.

Ziyu got up early the next morning. He felt empty inside as he saw Zhishu’s languishing face. He fled out of the bedroom in a hurry. For the first time in his life, he blamed himself for being helpless.

Ziyu sat in the living room, having no idea where his mind was wandering. He was thinking where they could go for a trip together, where to enjoy the last moment of Zhishu’s life. Ziyu Ai sat on the couch facing the ceiling with his hands on his forehead. His heart was aching.

Someone was at the door making a noise that sounded impatient and rushed. Ziyu got up and went for a check, but caught Ziqian Ai entering the house.

Ziqian Ai was wearing a black businessman suit. His hair was properly slicked back, a sharp look emanated through the gold-rimmed spectacles on his high-bridged nose. There was a cold curl on the man’s face, and surprisingly it was his pissed-off expression.

“Bro, how come you are here? Why didn’t you call me and I would pick you up?” Ziyu Ai stepped closer but unexpectedly got a hard smack on his face.

“You’ve got some fucking nerves, huh?” Ziqian Ai wasn’t even content with the smack, so he added more kicks. Normally, he loved his baby brother but when the little brat pissed him off, he wouldn’t give a second thought to batter him as their father would.

Ziyu Ai was absolutely confused; he neither dodged nor resisted. “What did I do?” he asked.

“Who was the person you took away a few days ago?” Ziqian asked back in a cold voice.

Ziyu didn’t have a clue about what the hell was going on. His brother knew exactly what he did and he had been covering him up all the time. “The one I love.” He answered.

“Should I say what a spot-on?! You took Wenxu Jiang’s precious away. Did you know that?! That crazy man couldn’t find you so he just took it out on me and he won’t get off my back. Do you know how much money I’ve lost recently?”

Ziyu Ai started to get a bit irritated. “Goddammit, you told me Wenxu Jiang was having affairs everywhere. I’d say he’s extorting you!” He said.

Ziqian Ai had a bossier personality than his brother did. He raised his voice dramatically, “Do you just blindly take my word for it? I haven’t worked with him for long; how was I supposed to know that person was most cherished by him?! You idiot! I’ve spoiled you, haven’t I?

“Keep it down, will you? You’ll wake him up, he’s a light sleeper.” Ziyu Ai frowned and said.

Ziqian Ai got angrier. “I don’t mind you looking for fun; I’ve got your back anyway. But can you keep it simple? At least not a secondhand one, okay? He’s been with him for more than a decade. His hole’s already loosened!”

The moment Ziyu Ai heard this, rage filled in his bloodshot eyes. He suddenly got up and gave his brother an unexpected punch.